To the Boy Who Broke Up with His Girlfriend Via Text - On Her Birthday

• Boy, oh boy.  
As I mull this over, wondering whether you deserve the benefit of doubt, considering all of the possible explanations for your retreat from the battlefield of love, I can't help but think of the pressure you must feel. Having a girlfriend is like having a job. It requires work, commitment, passion, and consumption of things that our society has brainwashed us into believing will make a girl happy. Yeah, boy, you must have felt the pressure. The pressure to be a man, and yet, your brain is like, still, growing into manhood. 
•  But what is this pressure? You feel as though you must have the right car, the right job title and income, plus the desire to be seen displaying affection publicly for your girl, even when you would rather be sitting at home in the man cave, of your parents' home, playing Angry Birds. Truth.
• Unfortunately, life propels us forward, or it leaves us behind. You must decide what kind of man you are to be. And sometimes, the only way you can decide that is to take time out of your relationship with your girl, to find out who you really are and what you really want. Yeah, you think you be testing her, but life be testing you, awwwright? Not textin', t-e-s-t-i-n-g!
• Still, you might want to think carefully about whether you will be the kind of man who will use a third party application to mediate your personal life.
• Son, the next time you feel pressure to change for a girl, think about Freud and the question: "What do women want?" Read some books that may better prepare you for life, and help you consider the role desire plays in your decision-making process. (Dear Readers, please suggest some books for a young man in need of advice.)
• And also consider that in capitalist-dominated societies, inequality of income between males and females is still kind of the norm, but things have gotten a lot better. Women are, in some ways, dependent on males. However, this is changing. Fulfillment of your potential as a caring, loving, and awesome human being may be your goal, too, and this may happen with or without a mate.
• Consider the fact that having a partner may be a healthier alternative than having the option of a girl as a friend, who is simply a kind of archetypal placeholder for someone who will gratify your needs.
• The consequences of a love gone wrong do not have to be self-limiting, though. Tragedy of this sort: (see Hole), can be avoided. 
• But above all, reconsider the strategy of texting your girlfriend that the relationship is baked. Smarty. That's so not cool. Now, to all of her friends (that you thought you might have had a chance with), you will be forever known as that guy.
• Don't be that guy.
• Be you, young man. You, do you!